A screenshot from Hinge.

29 of the strangest prompts I’ve seen on men’s Hinge profiles

*recently updated with even more strangeness!*

I have recently gotten back on Hinge, and I have to say: things have gotten a lot weirder in the year since I last used it. It’s now more for entertainment than anything else — my roommate and I browse Hinge over lunch and screenshot the cringiest profiles to send to our friends. To respect these men-attracted-to-women’s privacy, I’ve transcribed some of the most baffling prompt responses, but the photos add a lot — download the app yourself to get the full effect.

1. “Jimmy Neutron had a dog, so why can’t I have a friend?”
2. “We’ll get along if… You like to laugh because hold on to your quarantine mask there’ll be a lot of it. I mean what else could go wrong.. ha ha ha all this has to stop.” Is he… okay?
3. “My most controversial opinion is the ceiling on how good chicken can taste is pretty low. don’t get me wrong, I love chicken, but it can only be so good. same with bread. fuck bread.” I have never been so personally offended, angered, and also saddened by such a short paragraph!!! Chicken can be very, VERY good if you’re not limiting yourself to a dry-ass skinless chicken breast with lemon pepper or some other white nonsense. And I’m sorry, fuck BREAD?? Do you know you’re trying to attract human women here? Women love bread.
4. “First round is on me if Your not going to waist my time.” I am not.
5. One profile went like this. First prompt: “I won’t shut up about The CIA.” Then some normal details. Third prompt: “You should *not* go out with me if You’re in the CIA.” Followed by a photo of the man in question wearing a large windbreaker and standing in front of a communist flag hung from the rafters of what appeared to be a soundproofed basement.
6. One guy described himself as “more of a concept” [than a person??]
7. Another guy said he’s looking for someone who would have a dolphin-assisted birth, which I then of course had to Google. He said “research shows dolphin assisted births give the child a higher IQ,” which tells me he’s probably the type of person who “does their own research” and then believes any study they find on the internet.
8. “I’m weirdly attracted to Feet I have a huge foot fetish”
9. “Believe it or not, I Had a pet alligator. His name was Gucci Mane. The state of Ohio sent him to Florida, where I imagine he is prospering.” I do have a lot of questions about this one, but in general it seems irresponsible to bring an alligator to Ohio, so I am relieved that he has been taken back to the swamps.
10. “Most spontaneous thing I’ve done Bought a car… happens often.” I’m sorry… often???
11. Sometimes people import photos from Instagram, along with their caption/hashtags. A guy who does stand-up comedy had: “Open mic tonight! #joke funny #netflix #chicagocomedy #chicagostandup #freejokes #funnyjokes #depression” and if there’s anything more relatable than ending that list with #depression I don’t know what.
12. “All I ask is that you Be completely honest and loyal.” Ok if that’s all…
13. “I’m looking for My stay at home mama or someone who can watch my dog if I have to travel for work but preferably the first. Also let’s buy a house/land in the country” followed by “Honesty and loyalty are everything…oh and the dog sleeps in the bed.” Truly the most horrifying country-boy conservative profile I’ve seen. Ladies: you don’t need to be this man’s baby mama or his unpaid dog-sitter. You deserve much better.
14. “Sharks have no idea that camel exists” —true.
15. “Unusual skills: Air flipping pancakes and dosas while it is cooking on the stove…umm..Novel prize please?” This is mostly fine and cute, but I can’t get past the “Novel prize” part — either he thinks a Nobel Prize would be good recognition for pancake flipping skills, or he wants to create a new (novel) prize to award himself. Very confident, either way.
16. Other unusual skills I have seen listed include “astigmatism” and “yoodling.”
17. “Two truths and a lie I like anime, I have 3 children, I’m an asshole.” Sir, do you really think people will find this combination of statements attractive?
18. “Together we could… be bored.” Not going to lie, I’ve never met a person whose dream was to find the perfect person to be bored with.
19. “I’m looking for the ultimate bags partner.” I have truly no idea what this means. I googled “bags partner” to see if I could find an Urban Dictionary entry or something, but what came up was a page for the business partners of a company called Bags Inc that does luggage handling.
20. “You should not go out with me if … you are really vanilla (not kinky) (im pretty kinky)” okay, buddy. Bold back-to-back parentheses there.
21. “What if I told you that I want gay married couples to be able to protect their marijuana plants with guns”… can’t figure out if this is a conservative joke, a satirical commentary on nuance in politics, or a real idea.
22. “Something that’s non-negotiable for me is Picky eaters.” Are you saying a girl has to be a picky eater, to make up for not being too picky to date you?
23. A guy with a nice smile unfortunately attributed a Yeats quote to “Yeates” and it made me laugh to myself while trying to pronounce it (“yeeties?” “yaytis?” “… Yeezys?”) and then immediately hit X.
24. One white boy intriguingly said “I’m a regular at Aldi” and then put a photo of himself unloading a shopping cart with the location tagged as Aldi… great brand loyalty, I guess!
25. “The one thing you should know about me is I work 92 hours a week and gone from my apartment 3–4 days a week for 24 hours straight.” Thanks for being up-front that dating you would be a scheduling nightmare. Goodbye.
26. One very cringey white man captioned a photo of himself holding an oyster and a glass of white wine “White Claw Summer 2019 baby #aintnolaws,” and I have never been less attracted to someone in my entire life.
27. I just saw this one and WHEEZED laughing: “Dating me is like uhhhhh”— sir! Do you know that you can choose whatever prompts you want??! Unless “uhhhhh” is intended to be an actual word that conveys a meaning other than uncertainty? But the meanings I would attribute to this noise are 1) indecisiveness, and 2) being a zombie, none of which sound like optimal dating experiences.
28. “What I order for the table… Ranch dressing for everyone.” Yum.
29. Finally, a strange but heartwarming one to end: “I take pride in sharing this beautiful earth with that Iraqi dude who threw his shoe at Bush.”

It’s truly wild out here, y’all. Straight men are something else.

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