29 of the strangest prompts I’ve seen on men’s Hinge profiles
*recently updated with even more strangeness!*
I have recently gotten back on Hinge, and I have to say: things have gotten a lot weirder in the year since I last used it. It’s now more for entertainment than anything else — my roommate and I browse Hinge over lunch and screenshot the cringiest profiles to send to our friends. To respect these men-attracted-to-women’s privacy, I’ve transcribed some of the most baffling prompt responses, but the photos add a lot — download the app yourself to get the full effect.
- “Jimmy Neutron had a dog, so why can’t I have a friend?”
- “We’ll get along if… You like to laugh because hold on to your quarantine mask there’ll be a lot of it. I mean what else could go wrong.. ha ha ha all this has to stop.” Is he… okay?
- “My most controversial opinion is the ceiling on how good chicken can taste is pretty low. don’t get me wrong, I love chicken, but it can only be so good. same with bread. fuck bread.” I have never been so personally offended, angered, and also saddened by such a short paragraph!!! Chicken can be very, VERY good if you’re not limiting yourself to a dry-ass skinless chicken breast with lemon pepper or some other white nonsense. And I’m sorry, fuck BREAD?? Do you know you’re trying to attract human women here? Women love bread.
- “First round is on me if Your not going to waist my time.” I am not.
- One profile went like this. First prompt: “I won’t shut up about The CIA.” Then some normal details. Third prompt: “You should *not* go out with me if You’re in the CIA.” Followed by a photo of the man in question wearing a large windbreaker and standing in front of a communist flag hung from the rafters of what appeared to be a soundproofed basement.
- One guy described himself as “more of a concept” [than a person??]
- Another guy said he’s looking for someone who would have a dolphin-assisted birth, which I then of course had to Google. He said “research shows dolphin assisted births give the child a higher IQ,” which tells me he’s probably the type of person who “does their own research” and then believes any study they find on the internet.
- “I’m weirdly attracted to Feet I have a huge foot fetish”
- “Believe it or not, I Had a pet alligator. His name was Gucci Mane. The state of Ohio sent him to Florida, where I imagine he is prospering.” I do have a lot of questions about this one, but in general it seems irresponsible to bring an alligator to Ohio, so I am relieved that he has been taken back to the swamps.
- “Most spontaneous thing I’ve done Bought a car… happens often.” I’m sorry… often???
- Sometimes people import photos from Instagram, along with their caption/hashtags. A guy who does stand-up comedy had: “Open mic tonight! #joke funny #netflix #chicagocomedy #chicagostandup #freejokes #funnyjokes #depression” and if there’s anything more relatable than ending that list with #depression I don’t know what.
- “All I ask is that you Be completely honest and loyal.” Ok if that’s all…
- “I’m looking for My stay at home mama or someone who can watch my dog if I have to travel for work but preferably the first. Also let’s buy a house/land in the country” followed by “Honesty and loyalty are everything…oh and the dog sleeps in the bed.” Truly the most horrifying country-boy conservative profile I’ve seen. Ladies: you don’t need to be this man’s baby mama or his unpaid dog-sitter. You deserve much better.
- “Sharks have no idea that camel exists” —true.
- “Unusual skills: Air flipping pancakes and dosas while it is cooking on the stove…umm..Novel prize please?” This is mostly fine and cute, but I can’t get past the “Novel prize” part — either he thinks a Nobel Prize would be good recognition for pancake flipping skills, or he wants to create a new (novel) prize to award himself. Very confident, either way.
- Other unusual skills I have seen listed include “astigmatism” and “yoodling.”
- “Two truths and a lie I like anime, I have 3 children, I’m an asshole.” Sir, do you really think people will find this combination of statements attractive?
- “Together we could… be bored.” Not going to lie, I’ve never met a person whose dream was to find the perfect person to be bored with.
- “I’m looking for the ultimate bags partner.” I have truly no idea what this means. I googled “bags partner” to see if I could find an Urban Dictionary entry or something, but what came up was a page for the business partners of a company called Bags Inc that does luggage handling.
- “You should not go out with me if … you are really vanilla (not kinky) (im pretty kinky)” okay, buddy. Bold back-to-back parentheses there.
- “What if I told you that I want gay married couples to be able to protect their marijuana plants with guns”… can’t figure out if this is a conservative joke, a satirical commentary on nuance in politics, or a real idea.
- “Something that’s non-negotiable for me is Picky eaters.” Are you saying a girl has to be a picky eater, to make up for not being too picky to date you?
- A guy with a nice smile unfortunately attributed a Yeats quote to “Yeates” and it made me laugh to myself while trying to pronounce it (“yeeties?” “yaytis?” “… Yeezys?”) and then immediately hit X.
- One white boy intriguingly said “I’m a regular at Aldi” and then put a photo of himself unloading a shopping cart with the location tagged as Aldi… great brand loyalty, I guess!
- “The one thing you should know about me is I work 92 hours a week and gone from my apartment 3–4 days a week for 24 hours straight.” Thanks for being up-front that dating you would be a scheduling nightmare. Goodbye.
- One very cringey white man captioned a photo of himself holding an oyster and a glass of white wine “White Claw Summer 2019 baby #aintnolaws,” and I have never been less attracted to someone in my entire life.
- I just saw this one and WHEEZED laughing: “Dating me is like uhhhhh”— sir! Do you know that you can choose whatever prompts you want??! Unless “uhhhhh” is intended to be an actual word that conveys a meaning other than uncertainty? But the meanings I would attribute to this noise are 1) indecisiveness, and 2) being a zombie, none of which sound like optimal dating experiences.
- “What I order for the table… Ranch dressing for everyone.” Yum.
- Finally, a strange but heartwarming one to end: “I take pride in sharing this beautiful earth with that Iraqi dude who threw his shoe at Bush.”
It’s truly wild out here, y’all. Straight men are something else.
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