Dear men: Please, for the love of God, stop having such boring Hinge profiles

My face when people suggest I get to know them by asking questions. Photo by Michelle Phillips on Unsplash.

Malcolm Gladwell popularized the idea that it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. That makes me just ~9,980 hours short of being an expert at judging men’s dating app profiles.

Despite my lack of expertise, I am deeply fascinated by humans (I may have enjoyed being a sociologist in another life) and have a massive library of cringe-y screenshots from Chicago-area Hinge profiles. If you find trends in human mating attempts as intriguing as I do, or you’re a man in the online dating world and wondering how not to be basic, I present to you the following observations.

**these are, of course, generalizations — don’t @ me with “not all men”**

1. Men think that liking The Office is a personality trait. See also: How I Met Your Mother and Friends (aka the trifecta of early 2000s white people sitcoms). Men like to make claims that one of these shows is better than the others (thinking that this is controversial), and then challenge potential matches to change their minds.
2. Also, apparently, a core personality trait: liking tacos and margs. (It’s always just “margs,” not “margaritas.”) Or knowing “where to find the best tacos.” Personally, if the tacos are not at your abuela’s house, I don’t want to hear about it.
3. Men in Chicago often say that the biggest risk they’ve ever taken is moving to Chicago. Is it because they’re afraid of getting shot? Or because they’re from LA/New York and think it’s brave to move to a Midwestern city that must surely be devoid of all culture?
4. I’m trying to be an objective social scientist here, but I am so. tired. of all the variations of “I’m looking for someone to try new restaurants with me.” Recently I saw “Together, we could be adventurous and go to all the best restaurants.” When did restaurants become the main form of couples’ entertainment? Literally so tired.
5. In general, men seem to think that very mundane things are interesting to put on a dating profile. I recently saw “Two truths and a lie: my favorite TV show is Friends, I’m a Packers fan, my favorite food is pizza.” These are practically the most boring things you could say, and there is no intrigue. I would have zero reaction to finding out that any or all of these things were false.
6. Okay, I give up on faking objectivity. I HATE when people say “the secret to getting to know me is asking me questions.” I just… want to leave.
7. Anything about tequila. Men are always saying “I will get tequila shots for the table” or “leave a comment if you like tacos and tequila” or “I love to take tequila shots 😈.” Okay. You’re edgy. That’s cool.
8. Men love to say that they appreciate someone who “laughs at their jokes.” If people don’t normally laugh, maybe you should just get better jokes.
9. Men also love to say that they are the funniest person you’ve ever met, are fluent in sarcasm, or want someone who can appreciate a sense of humor. To me, these statements usually have a subtext of “I am condescending and a little mean.” If you’re funny, write something funny. Show, don’t tell.
10. Speaking of showing, some men take multiple selfies from the same low, unflattering angle (usually in poor lighting), and use those as all the photos on their profile. It makes me concerned that they a) have no friends, b) have no sense of aesthetic, and c) are boring.
11. I’ve seen a lot of people say recently that they are passionate about financial literacy and/or investing, which is actually not terrible, but still a little boring. If I were more of a capitalist I would not mind.
12. Your first photo is obviously important, which is why I’m baffled when someone’s first photo is just like 10 white boys at a frat party, sometimes followed by more photos of multiple people. I have no idea which one is you, and it’s too much work to figure it out.
13. Men often say they are looking for a workout buddy. I wonder if they really need to date someone who works out, or they just don’t have friends at the gym.
14. This isn’t super common, but men still take photos leaning against a car. Sometimes it’s fancy, and sometimes it’s like a 2010 Honda Civic.
15. One of the absolute most common preferences for a date that I see is “easygoing” or “love to laugh.” This sounds like you’re trying to avoid any difficult situations, or you’ve had a sad life around stern ladies who hate laughter. Either way, who hurt you?

If you want more Hinge Cringe, see my list of very strange prompts — they are not boring, but they sure are weird. And if you need reassurance that dating apps are not veritable hellholes, check out my story about why I actually enjoy online dating.

I also offer dating profile consulting on Fiverr — just $5 for a profile edit!

Be safe out there ❤