How to talk to a friend who’s having a hard time
Social scientists and psychologists emphasize that social support is crucial for getting through life’s worst challenges and for maintaining positive mental health in general. Social support can be a form of collective care that is formalized through faith communities, neighborhood clubs, and mutual aid networks. It can also happen in groups of friends, families, and at a one-to-one level.
Social support from an individual can take many forms — sharing information or contacts with someone looking for resources, running errands for a friend who’s sick, problem-solving together when a difficult decision needs to be made, taking on some of a colleague’s tasks at work when they have a family crisis — but perhaps one of the simplest is just listening well.
Good listening and emotional support during a personal crisis or low time can mean the world to a friend, and can even be life-saving. It’s not a substitute for professional help — particularly if your friend is showing signs of suicide risk — but giving your friend a safe space to process, vent, and grieve as necessary can fortify them emotionally and strengthen your friendship.
There are plenty of articles out there about active listening, which is foundational to providing good support, but here are a few ways to show support when a friend is struggling.
Show empathy, but don’t pretend to understand.
It’s almost never appropriate to say “I know exactly how you feel.” Even if you’ve been through the exact same situation, everyone reacts and responds differently. Don’t assume you know what your friend is feeling; instead, practice empathy by saying things like “I imagine that could make you feel hopeless” or “that sounds really isolating” and letting them confirm whether that’s what they’re feeling.
Remind them that they’re not alone.
If you really mean it and you back it up with proof, a simple statement like “I care about you and I’m here for you” can mean so much. Emotional challenges and personal crises can be incredibly isolating, so showing up for your friend (in person, if possible) and just being nearby can be very supportive. Bring a snack, if appropriate — many people skip meals when not doing well. When you leave, try reminding them about the support system they have, which may include other friends as well as yourself. Set reasonable expectations about your availability, and don’t promise that you can be there anytime if you can’t. “You’re not in this alone — you can call me anytime, and if I’m at busy or at work, X is nearby too. We love you and we’re here for you.”
Reassure them that they deserve support.
When someone is feeling depressed or low, they might feel like a burden and want to avoid bothering friends with their problems. This is often a reason people don’t reach out for help in the first place.
I like to remind my friends that “everyone deserves support.” When feeling low or experiencing self-hatred, it’s common to think negative statements like “I don’t deserve help.” It can be easier to agree with the idea that everyone deserves support than a specific statement like “I deserve support.” All humans, everywhere, should have people around who love and care for them, and everyone deserves support.
Offer to help tangibly or to do activities together.
Offer to bring some dinner over, to return their library books, or to pick up their prescriptions. As appropriate, provide distractions and moments of gentle joy in addition to meeting needs. If your friend’s been sitting inside all day, see if they’d be up for going for a walk. Re-watch a favorite movie. Play video games together.
I find it’s often important to remind a friend that “I want to be here with you. You don’t have to be doing okay — I love you no matter what.” Just make sure you do set boundaries and leave when you need to (see above for reminding your friend about other sources of support in their network).
Help them cultivate self-compassion.
I love asking “what would you say to a friend in your situation?” because it gets people out of their head a bit and helps them to think about what they would want for someone else. We often have higher standards for ourselves than for others — e.g., when I’m sick I might make myself keep working even though I feel unwell, but I always tell my direct reports to take the time off and rest. Thinking about your own situation as though it were happening to someone you love can help you show yourself the same compassion you show others.
Another great question to ask is “how are you going to show yourself some kindness today?”
Ask if they’re thinking about suicide.
This can be really challenging, but if your friend is showing signs of hopelessness, sadness, disinterest in life, feeling worthless, or other warning signs of suicidality, it’s important to ask.
You can simply say, “I’m wondering if you’re having any thoughts of suicide.” Mentioning suicide is not going to make your friend consider ending their life if they weren’t already.
It’s important to be prepared for what to do if they say yes, and it’s also important to remember that just thinking about suicide doesn’t mean they’re immediately at risk. Thank them for being honest with you, and if you’re comfortable with it, ask if they have a plan. If they’ve thought about how they would do it and they have access to lethal means, it might be time to get some professional support.
There are a lot of great resources out there with more in-depth tips on how to ask about suicide and how to follow up, like Know the Signs and this blog post on asking about suicide from NAMI (the National Alliance on Mental Illness).
Refer them to additional resources, if needed.
- 988 is the new Suicide and Crisis Lifeline number. A person in emotional distress or suicidal crisis can call 988 from anywhere in the United States, and can chat with a crisis counselor online through 988lifeline.org.
- Crisis Text Line is a free 24/7 crisis counseling service over text message and WhatsApp. Anyone in the United States can text them at 714714 or visit CrisisTextLine.org. They have a good list of mental health resources for different situations, as well.
- Outside the U.S., use Find a Helpline for free, immediate support.
- For longer-term support, Open Counseling and Inclusive Therapists are online databases for finding affordable, local in-person or telehealth therapy.
- If they don’t want to talk to anyone else but want some ideas or information, Mental Health is Health is a beautiful site with resources for a variety of situations and feelings.
- There are many other resources online for specific circumstances (e.g. suicidal thoughts, grief, eating disorders, self-harm). In the U.S., your local 211 may be able to help navigate local resources.
Make sure to care for yourself.
Supporting a friend through a difficult time can be emotionally draining and even triggering. Take some time to process anything you might be feeling after a hard conversation, and to seek support when you need it. How can you show yourself some kindness today?
❤
